Honey I Shrunk The Monk
by Firnheledien
Summary: The title says it all. What would you do with a 3 1/2 inch tall Sanzo?
1. A small problem

Honey I Shrunk The Monk  
  
Chapter 1: A small problem  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki nor Sanzo nor his bodysuit. Dang.  
  
Inspired during Add Math class when my teacher said assume that you have 2 people who are 19 cm tall. . . .  
  
UltraM2000: Yes, I like your imitation of micro Sanzo very much. So this fic is for her and Gu Bak Wan!!  
  
***  
  
A bright wholesome morning. The kind detested by violent corrupt monks. The ikkou's tranquil breakfast is interrupted by a shrill squeal of minute proportions from Sanzo's room.  
  
They barge in, only to be confronted by a pile of messy bedclothes. Sanzo is nowhere in sight.  
  
Hakkai: Ano, where did Sanzo go?  
  
Gojyo: Maybe the bozu's in the toilet.  
  
They search the room and still find nothing. Then there is a small squeal of extreme annoyance from under one of the pillows.  
  
Goku: *reaches under the pillow and pulls out. . .* SANZO!?!?!!?  
  
Three-and-a-half inches worth of enraged Sanzo erupts into Goku's face with all the fury of an annoyed sparrow.  
  
Sanzo: *in high, tinny chipmunk voice* KONO BAKAZARU!!!!! I've been screaming for you guys for the past half hour!  
  
Hakkai and Gojyo: Gaaaaa. . . . *both nearly fainting*  
  
Hakkai: It seems we have a small problem, eh, minasan? *laughs nervously*  
  
Gojyo: Oh crap. 


	2. The Many Shortcomings of Genjo Sanzo

Chapter 2: The Many Shortcomings of Genjo Sanzo Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki but Saiyuki owns me!!  
  
The ikkou had to deal with a cranky micro Sanzo throughout breakfast. The pint-sized monk had no problems running around the table and attempting to beat the crap out of anyone who pissed him off (which was everybody) with his equally microscopic harisen (that seemed to have shrunk with him). The only thing was that he kept tripping over and falling over the crumbs that fell on the table and then he would double the nano cursing and violent behaviour.  
  
Gojyo: *grins* Not so big now are you, bozu?  
  
Sanzo: *tiny squeal of rage* How dare you!?!!?!? Kono BAKA KAPPA!! *whacks Gojyo's knuckles in a flurry of anger with the harisen*  
  
Hakkai: Maa, maa, Sanzo. You shouldn't get stressed because you'll strain your small heart even further, ne? *feeds Sanzo tiny crumbs of bread*  
  
Sanzo: This is all your fault! *climbs onto Gojyo's spoon and starts berating him madly*  
  
Gojyo: Take this you namagusa bozu! *dunks the spoon into his porridge*  
  
Sanzo: *drowning in the mushy goop* Why you-aieeee-glubmrfflsplutter-  
  
Goku: Sanzo!!! *rescues him from the porridge bowl*  
  
Hakkai: *towelling Sanzo off with a paper napkin* Be quiet for now, e, Sanzo?  
  
Sanzo: Put me down!-mffpph  
  
Hakkai: *cups his hands to shield the hyperactively violent little Sanzo* We'll each have to babysit him for the day until we find a cure.  
  
Goku: I'll do it!!!!!  
  
Sanzo: *muffled* Nooooo!!!! 


	3. The Adventures of a Travelsized Monk

Chapter 3: The Adventures of a Travel-sized Monk Disclaimer: Saiyuki is mine and I really am a 7-foot tap-dancing giraffe in suspenders.  
  
Ahhh. . . my favourite scene: a drunk little Sanzo. Provided by Gu Bak Wan. Thank you!!  
  
***  
  
Goku runs out happily with a tiny Sanzo tucked into his pocket to buy. . . meat buns!  
  
Stallholder: Here you go. *hands Goku a large bag of meatbuns*  
  
Goku: Sankyuu!!  
  
Sanzo: *sitting on one of the buns in the bag* Come let's go, you bakazaru.  
  
The buns disappear into Goku's mouth along with (might I add) an enraged little blond bozu.  
  
Sanzo: *muffled* MMMfphh!!! Kono bakazaru!!! Ore o kutten ja ne!!!!! [Don't eat me you bakazaru!] *scrabbling around wildly in the recesses of Goku's mouth*  
  
Goku: *plucks a saliva-coated Sanzo from his mouth and lets him stand on his palm* Ee, gomen, Sanzo. I thought you were a meatbun.  
  
Sanzo: *lets out a microscopic roar* Kono bakazaru!!! Do I look like a meatbun to you!!!?!?!?!  
  
Sanzo starts attacking Goku's fingers madly with the harisen and firing his Smith & Wesson in the air. The bullets (the size of small peas) hit Goku on the nose.  
  
Goku: Itaaaiiii!!!! Naaaa, Sanzo, you're so mean. . .  
  
Sanzo: *flinging saliva off his person* URUSAI!!!!!! *fires haphazardly into the air again*  
  
***  
  
This time, it is Hakkai's turn to take care of the grumpy little Sanzo who is almost blue from swearing after Goku almost flushed him down the toilet. Nothing much happens until. . . .  
  
Hakkai: Hakuryu!!!  
  
Hakuryu: Kyuu?  
  
Hakkai: You're sitting on Sanzo! *rushes over to remove the dragon's bottom from squashing our oh-so-delicate priest*  
  
Sanzo: @_@..Hakk-ai. . . I'm going-to-kill-you. *passes out from the stench of dragon poo. Hey, dragons breathe fire so they must have a lot of methane in their bums, right?*  
  
***  
  
Gojyo is now in charge of carting around Sanzo, the almightily tiny. A pretty girl saunters by. Oh dear.  
  
Gojyo: *sidles up to the girl, turning on the charm full blast* Hey, pretty lady. Can I rock your bed tonight?  
  
Girl: *blushes furiously* I-  
  
Mini Sanzo jumps out from Goyjo's pocket (don't ask me how) and clambers onto his shoulder.  
  
Sanzo: Can you quit with it already, you erogappa!?!!? It's enough that I'm stuck with you, and now I have to put up with your blundering flirting??!??!?? *points his already loaded Smith & Wesson at Gojyo's temple*  
  
Girl: Ohhh!!! *spots the minute monk stomping on Gojyo's shoulder, screaming squeaky obscenities* Eeee, so cute! *scoops micro Sanzo from Gojyo's shoulder and starts playing with his golden hair like it was a doll's*  
  
Sanzo: Put me down, kono BAKAonna!!!! I AM NOT CUTE!!!!! Arrrrg! What do you think you're doing, you hentai kappa!!?!?!? Korosu zo-  
  
Gojyo: *snatches micro Sanzo from the girl and stuffs him down his pocket* Eh heh. Don't mind him. So, where were we. . . ?  
  
{.2 hours and several cans of beer later.}  
  
Sanzo has managed to free himself from the prison of kappa underwear (smiley boxers) and clothes that Gojyo had tossed onto him to shut him up. Now, extremely pissed and murderous, he plans his revenge.  
  
*** {.3 hours later.}  
  
The ikkou is having dinner and Sanzo is again cavorting around the table in a foul mood. The waitress brings their order of beer in huge tankards, courtesy of Gojyo (who seems to enjoy torturing Sanzo for as long as he can).  
  
Sanzo whips the miniscule maten kyoumon off his shoulders and uses it as a brace to shimmy up the tankard. He sits on the rim and sips his beer through a straw (provided by Hakkai).  
  
Goku: Itadakimasu!  
  
Gojyo: *pinches some of Goku's springrolls and pops it in to his mouth*  
  
Goku: That was mine, you erogappa!!!  
  
Gojyo: *sticks out tongue at Goku, bits of springroll dangling* I didn't see your name on it, bakazaru.  
  
Sanzo: *tiny veins start popping* Urusen dayo!!!!! *whips out his Barbie- sized harisen to deck them and--*  
  
*SPLOOGLSH*  
  
Sanzo: *splutters* Bluurgle. *beer floods his nostrils*  
  
Gojyo: The namagusa bozu is drowning, eh? *lights up a cigarette*  
  
The cigarette flares and then explodes in the kappa's face.  
  
Gojyo: NANI!!?!!!?!? *a lightbulb goes on in his head and he looks at Sanzo, now paddling away in the tankard* Teme--*the fag explodes again*  
  
Sanzo: *does backstroke across the beer mug* Ha ha----gotcha, ya baaaka kappa  
  
The ikkou watches as Sanzo swims around in his drink, getting progressively sloshed. The monk starts to sing (oh, Tenkai above) and warble silly nursery rhymes about belly-dancing fighting gods and a team of gondola- paddling youkai. After 10 minutes, he's sinking like a stone to the bottom of the cup, snoring and bubbling at the same time.  
  
Hakkai: Oh dear, Sanzo will drown! His body is so small that he gets intoxicated so quickly. *fishes out Sanzo with his chopsticks*  
  
Gojyo: *still cleaning off all the soot from his face* Ch', his corrupt brain must be saturated with all that beer by now.  
  
Hakkai: *uses his little finger to do CPR and a straw for artificial resuscitation on one unconscious travel-sized priest* Breathe Sanzo, breathe!!! Four minutes until his brain gets permanently damaged.  
  
The plastered Sanzo coughs up some beer after inflating and deflating several times like a balloon at Hakkai's hands.  
  
Sanzo: Fuuuuuuuuu. . . . *blinks sleepily* Goodnight, minna. *starts snoring like an elephant and then farts*  
  
Hakkai: Yare yare.  
  
Gojyo: *prodding Sanzo* He's so small yet he snores like a whale.  
  
Goku: *happily polishes off everyone else's portion of the food* 


	4. Of miniature bozus

Chapter 4: Of miniature bozus Disclaimer: Homura would like to own a new world by the most underhanded means possible. I would love to own Saiyuki by any means possible but I'm not a master at evil schemes. UltraM2000: Hmph. Yea, right. And you are not an evil demigod in disguise.  
  
Firnheledien: Oi, this is my fic!!?!?  
  
The ikkou continues on their journey West, with the holiest priest in Togenkyou now the size of a matchbox, in tow. They are halted once again by a bunch of youkai intent on repossessing the scriptural discourse of the Buddha inscribed on a paper draped over the upper half of Sanzo's anatomy; in short: the sutras.  
  
Youkai: Genjo Sanzo, hand over the sutras! *looks around for the monk, confused* Sanzo?  
  
Hakkai: *closes eyes and smiles* Yare yare.  
  
Youkai: Where is the great Sanzo-Hoshi sama?  
  
Hakkai fishes out petit Sanzo from his pocket and sets him down on his palm. The tiny monk loads his revolver and points it at the offending youkai.  
  
Hakkai: Do your thing, Sanzo.  
  
Sanzo: *chirrups* Shine! *fires randomly into the demon mob*  
  
*Ping**ping**ping**pingggg*  
  
Hakkai eyes the bullets spraying onto the ground with great amusement.  
  
Gojyo: Hah, looks like your peashooter's been cut down to size, eh, Sanzo- Hoshi sama?  
  
Sanzo: -_-######## .. *radiates Deadly Aura of Murderous Potential*  
  
Hakkai: Eto. . . maybe you should try something bigger, Sanzo?  
  
Sanzo: *tinny chanting* On - ma - ni - hatsu - mei- un-MAKAI TENJOU!!!!!!  
  
*Flappita**Swoosh*  
  
The tiny sutras extend to decimate any unfortunate youkai but their range is sadly-limited. A youkai rushes forward but falls flat onto his face.  
  
Youkai #1: o_O .Arrg-my foot! It's frozen. Can't-move-  
  
Hakkai: *lightbulb goes on* Ano, Sanzo. . . . I think that you've only managed to paralyse a part of the youkai. . .  
  
Just then Homura and his compadres descend on some heavenly lavender- scented cloud.  
  
Homura: *cough**choke**wheeze* Aaack. Damn that kuso baba. She knows I hate Evelyn & Crabtree.  
  
Shien and Zenon: *waving away the poufy scent* Urrrg. . . Homura: Anyway. . . *blasts the youkais to Kingdom Come* Konzen! Give me the (what was it again)--*flips open a pocket dictionary*-- sutra [noun]: A documented discourse of the Buddha. Everyone: ??? Sanzo: *glowers and squeaks* Not in your miserable life, baka kami. Homura: Nani!!?!?? *his eyes are drawn to the puny incarnation of Konzen strutting around on Hakkai's palm*...BWAAHAHAAHHAHAAA!!!! *doubles over in laughter* Sanzo: *black clouds of doom encircling his head* What's so funny!!??!!?! You think I'm harmless because I 'm small, is that it?!??!?!? Well take this!!!! *tries to lunge for Homura* Unfortunately for our poor dinky (but volcano-tempered) Sanzo, a particularly strong gust of wind happened to come blowing his way at the exact moment of his ill-timed jump. Sanzo: Lemme at him!! Lemme at hiiiiii-aieeeehh!!!!! *Gust* Sanzo: *is blown into a tree and lands in a bird's nest* Eeek! *splat* Everyone: O_O Homura: Ahem, as I was saying. . . you're mine, Goku!!! Goku: Nooo, Sanzo!!!!*runs over to the aforementioned tree* Homura: *lunges to grab Goku but falls flat on his godly face after the saru dashes off* Urrg. Dang monkey. Why is he so hyper? But, by the mercy and good grace of some Goddess (kuso baba) of Mercy up in that political circus called Tenkai (who has received her dues in entertainment from the mortals below and is laughing her eyeballs out into some lotus pond in the sky), Sanzo is restored to his significantly normal size. Which means bad news for a certain demigod and horny river boy. Homura: *finds himself getting friendly with the lethal end of a familiar Smith & Wesson* Sanzo: *the barest hint of a smirk* Did you miss me? *cocks the hammer of the revolver* Homura: ... {.Several gunshots and puffs of lavender cloud later.} Sanzo: *wipes his gun on his robes* Hn, baka kami. Goku: Sanzo!!! *tries to hug Sanzo around the waist* Naaa, Sanzo, now that you're your normal size again, can you buy me a pork bun? Sanzo: Damare. *thwacks Goku with the paper fan* Gojyo: *snickering* Oh, Sanzo. . . You've got some pretty interesting things on your behind. . . . Sanzo: *vein throbs and blood pressure shoots up* Nani? . . . *turns and sees bits of runny egg and shell coating his posterior**deathly silence**his left eyebrow twitches* Sanzo: *explodes into a homicidal tantum* Teme!!!!! KOROSU ZO!!!!! I'M GOING TO BLOW YOUR ING BRAINS OUT FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DID TO ME!!!!! DO YO KNOW HOW HARD IT IS BEING THAT SMALL??!?!?!? KONO K'SO BAKA HENTAI GOKIBURI!!!!! *fires gun in the general direction of Gojyo*  
  
All: *start running for their lives from the bullets and curses of one incensed monk*  
  
Hakkai: Ah, everything that goes around comes around in such a small world, ne, Gojyo?  
  
Gojyo: Shaaaddap. 


	5. Omake: Lilliputian Dilemmas

Omake: Lilliputian Dilemmas Disclaimer: Saiyuki me no own. Ooga booga. For all my reviewers, since you guys were hankering after some more. This came up during Phys. Ed. Class, somehow. . .  
  
***  
  
The breeze is strong; the sky that perfect shade of blue. The paper crisp and sharp.  
  
The tiny monk blathering in diminutive tones on Hakkai's palm and stomping around in his ferociously miniature sandals.  
  
Hakkai: *folding a piece of orange and white paper patiently, listening to Sanzo's comments*  
  
Sanzo: *grunts* Ch', at least you can fold paper planes decently. Now, hurry up.  
  
Hakkai: Hai hai. *finishes the last fold of the paper plane*  
  
Hakkai hoists the microscopic priest onto the paper plane. And off they go into the wind.  
  
Gojyo: Hn. The bozu's lost for words.  
  
Sanzo: =_= .NANI!!?!?!?! Watch out you kuso gokiburi!! *zooms toward Gojyo on his orange plane, spouting high-frequency curses*  
  
Gojyo: O~O . Ha ha--*sees an orange aerial menace headed right for his head*--aieeeee!!!!!!*runs off*  
  
Sanzo: Come back here!!!!!!  
  
Sanzo scrambles to intercept the hysterical kappa. But, as Fate would have it. . .  
  
Sanzo: *firing his pea-sized bullets at a fleeing Gojyo* SHINE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Poink**vrrrrrrrrippp**bullet pierces the paper plane*  
  
Sanzo: o~O . (Uh oh) *squeaking* Mayday! Mayday!!!  
  
He plummets down in Dougan's (who is currently serenading a bowl of curry mee) direction.  
  
Dougan: O, beautiful bowl of mee. How lovely thy curried shade; to what exactness thine immortal santan (coconut milk)-laced aroma?--Alas--  
  
*Plop*  
  
And so, ladies and gentlemen, Genjo Sanzo, the amazing flying priest dives headfirst into the fiery concoction as his vermillion steed skids away in a blaze of soup and noodles.  
  
Sanzo: +_= .*#!$%@**#!!?!?! Blurgleblupsplutter (Kono k'sogappa.)  
  
Dougan: O_O . ^__- ... Aaaa. Are? . . . San-zo-sama? *uses his spoon to scoop Sanzo out from his gravy*  
  
Sanzo: *not at all pleased because he is covered in strangling strands of noodle and sopping wet with curry sauce, therefore he cheeps angrily* Nani ga, kono hentai?!?!?!! [Whaddaya want, you pervert?]  
  
Dougan: Oh, Sanzo-sama. Anything you want Sanzo-sama. . . *places Sanzo on his napkin ever so gently and gazes hypnotically (more like squints) into Sanzo's pipsqueak violet eyes*  
  
Sanzo: =_= .(First that disturbed god and now this underdeveloped choirboy. . .) *pulls out his revolver*  
  
*Click*  
  
Goku comes running up to rescue Sanzo, thus sparing Dougan of the fate of being sent into the next world, leaky like a Swiss cheese.  
  
Dougan: *as his Sanzo-sama is wrested away from his fanboy grasp* NOOOOOOooooooooo. . . . Sanzo-sama!!! Boo hoo! Sanzo-sama. . . I thought you loved meeeee. . . .  
  
All: 0_O  
  
Dougan: *wipes away crocodile tears* Now. . . I have no choice, Sanzo-sama. . . . Furbies--ATTACK!  
  
Multi-coloured fluffballs with beaks and beady, glazed eyes pour out to encircle the ikkou.  
  
Dougan: *maniacal laughter* Now, no one can ever have my Sanzo-sama!!!!!  
  
Goku: Ne, Sanzo--*as a rabid furby stalks him*--what are these things? Are they edible?  
  
Sanzo: *fighting with a pink furby who is trying to disarm him of his harisen* Damare, kono bakazaru.  
  
Hakkai: *sweatdrops* I believe that they are fangirls trapped by a spell, after being tricked into thinking that they would spend the rest of eternity with us.  
  
A little green-polka dotted furby bounces up to Sanzo, piping hyperglycaemically. It squeals in exaggerated delight and bounces up to the pygmy priest.  
  
Furby: *with ear-splitting frequency* EEEEEEE!!!!! Me Firn-day!!! Me love you!! Hug meeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Sanzo: *peeps, shaking his fist at the furby, 3 times his size* Is that all you can ever think about??!?!!?  
  
And again, his beloved divinity for an aunt decides to take pity on her long-suffering nephew and decides that it is time to relieve him of the burden of being midget-sized.  
  
*Poof*  
  
{.Several tons of fairy dust and etc. later.}  
  
Sanzo: *stares down furby with a gaze that melts titanium (I swear I've seen it happen)* .....  
  
Furby: ??? Ah-ah-aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. . . . . . .! *promptly melts into a puddle of sugar*  
  
Gojyo: So--*imitates Dougan*--Sanzo-sama, now that you're back to your normal size. . . .  
  
Sanzo: ..  
  
Gunshots ring as the ikkou scramble to save their skins from the clutches of one royally affronted monk, bent on sending their souls to hell and back (so he could do it all over again). World sprinting records are reported broken as Sanzo hitches up his robes and pursues them into the cancer- causing rays of the sunset. 


End file.
